You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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