I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
