I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
