remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
