i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
