I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
