we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
