i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
