so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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