it wasn't lemon gatorade
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
