I think I won the penis lottery.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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