my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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