I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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