ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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