what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
