can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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