After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
