Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
