Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(707): View more from California

I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

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(707): I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever http://tfl.nu/38jn

Replies (51) Good night (6491) Bad night (690)
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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(517): last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet?? http://tfl.nu/wkxa

Replies (39) Good night (1312) Bad night (5506)
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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous

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(267): Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous http://tfl.nu/kdtt

Replies (11) Good night (891) Bad night (3854)
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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

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(314): I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis. http://tfl.nu/ymag

Replies (16) Good night (4956) Bad night (588)
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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph

Replies (259) Good night (5046) Bad night (4897)
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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(250): My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances http://tfl.nu/ihp8

Replies (15) Good night (1174) Bad night (4859)
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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(918): It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever. http://tfl.nu/0i0j

Replies (31) Good night (886) Bad night (5876)
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(740): View more from Ohio

I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.

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(740): I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that. http://tfl.nu/4jg4

Replies (6) Good night (2401) Bad night (904)
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(352): View more from Florida

Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!

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(352): Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!! http://tfl.nu/bmaq

Replies (5) Good night (935) Bad night (1126)
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(708): View more from Illinois

There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.

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(708): There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars. http://tfl.nu/luzg

Replies (12) Good night (1188) Bad night (421)
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(309): View more from Illinois

I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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(309): I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked http://tfl.nu/2y25

Replies (5) Good night (861) Bad night (320)
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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(903): Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night. (1-903): Dude I've been in FL since Monday. http://tfl.nu/crr9

Replies (3) Good night (2172) Bad night (370)
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(810): View more from Michigan

Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.

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(810): Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer. http://tfl.nu/6hw0

Replies (1) Good night (329) Bad night (587)
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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

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(604): Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy. http://tfl.nu/syw5

Replies (4) Good night (477) Bad night (290)
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(804): View more from Virginia

Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?

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(804): Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics? http://tfl.nu/u5k0

Replies (2) Good night (366) Bad night (513)

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