i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway