i think my tv is drunk
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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