just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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