It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
