How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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