i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
