And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
