my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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