Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
