So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
