if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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