dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
