god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
