Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
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No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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