i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
