someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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