fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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