I want to walk on stilts...naked
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
