my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
