we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
