Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
