Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
