those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
