dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think I sprained my soul last night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
