Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
