I molested 6 butterflies tonight
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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