i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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