Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
