I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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