Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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