after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
