My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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