thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
