great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
