I wish I could teleport
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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