Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
