Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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