I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
