the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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