Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
