This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
